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A strange feeling.

It’s surprising how we, human beings, forsake certain aspects only to realize how valuable it was when you’re on the verge of seeing it perish. Makes you question yourself and to value the littlest of things, even if it’s temporary. Say, a person is watching the last episode, it’s about to end, so you desperately latch onto every passing minute of the 20 minute video only to realize that time waits for no one. The little things as this can make you question your basic sense, makes you ask yourself, “Are you living the right way, are you content with it?”.  I know, I know, it’s absurd, “An episode, are you crazy?”, I get it, but, if you think about it, the emotions you experience when you’re watching something or doing something, it holds some value in your life and when its final days are approaching, you value it more because, subconsciously, you feel you haven’t paid as much attention as it deserves. I don’t know, I might be deluded but I feel this way. What about you?

Me, Myself and I

I have my holidays right now and all I’ve been doing is sitting all day doing absolutely nothing at all. Well, I’m doing a lot of things but none worthy enough for a mention because the society dictates what should be worthy and what shouldn’t.
It’s always been like this.
“Oh, you went to a concert and got wasted? That’s awesome!”
“Oh you just stayed home and were on your laptop all day? You really need to go out.” 
Why do people always assume that there is only one typical way of having fun? Why is it always the concerts and going out which gets all the credits and not staying home or reading a book? I honestly do not understand that.
I see people. I see their eyes. I see the look they give me when I choose to stay home. I see everything. Don’t think I’m ignorant, I notice, I just don’t act upon it.
We, the introverts, get a lot of sh*t(pardon my language) and still, we act sane and stick to ourselves.
I know how to socialize, I know how to connect, I know how to flirt, I just choose not to because sometimes, just sometimes, I find time left alone better than some random person I’m apparently supposed to socialize to. It’s just who I am, don’t judge me for it. I keep getting so many condescending comments about how I should go out and make friends and how I should socialize more. It’s annoying how people think that by telling us to make friends, we’ll actually try. Funny.
Loner.
Strong word very carelessly used. I was reading an article about this. There was this term they used, “enforced”. Enforced loner. Very interesting.
It is those type of loners who, if they try to go out and socialize, they fail because of the lack of commonalities that they are forced to stay home most of the time, even times when they want to go out.
I am, in a way, of sorts, an enforced loner. I like being alone most of the time but when I want to go out and socialize, I am unable to do so because I don’t like the crowd. This is like a wish gone wrong. When I was comfortable going out, I did go out and I did socialize and make friends, I’m surprised at how good I am at that.
Ever since this enforced loner phase came into being, I’ve started getting all these remarks which are not very nice, makes you question yourself in ways you never did.
Don’t get me wrong, this is not a cry for help, I just hoped that  people wouldn’t be judgmental about me staying at home by my laptop being happy because, believe it or not, we can be happy staying at home.
Introverts, keep at it.

One love.

 

Ever thought about how there is only one person there for everyone? I used to. Yes, surprising. I was brainwashed by the modern movies that I assumed that there is one perfect soul for everyone. Boy, did I learn the right thing the wrong way. I’m not going into detail but I had a crush somebody the day I saw her. It wasn’t one of those “love at first sight” kind of melodramatic nuisance, it was plain fascination. I was fascinated when I first saw her. My curiosity led me to her and my little confidence led to a first talk. Of course, it didn’t go well, I was shy, she was shy(not really), all the normal stuff. Then later on, we clicked, we connected and BAM, I fell for her. Was it too soon?Probably. Did I make the right choice? Surprisingly, yes. She was interested too and one thing led to another and we were together…or at least that is what should’ve happened.

What really happened was that I got too into this whole idea of..”being above friends” and that startled her causing unpleasantness and we stopped seeing each other a few weeks later. Mind you, I don’t fall for people that easily, so if I did fall for someone, it would be a pain in the a*s to move on. It took me months, would’ve been sooner if we weren’t in the same school. After I had moved on, I don’t know what happened, but she magically sensed it(From this comes my theory of woman having a 7th sense). She came up to me with a big and energetic “Hi!” and I smiled and we started talking. A few years passed and now she’s my only best friend I’d die for. Funny how things work out this way.

When we first start off with understanding “affection”, it seems unfathomable and mind you, it is, just that we comprehend it the wrong way. We let the good parts touch our heart and the bad parts hit us hard. That is what happened when I first had a mere crush on someone. I was a kid, naïve and all. If I was hurt when I was a kid, I wouldn’t have had any sort of reasoning to it, it would just be plain pain without any backstory. That is how I felt back in my days. Today, whenever I see some underage kid ranting about his love story, if I hadn’t experienced the pain, I would’ve just told him, “You’re a kid, grow up.” and forgotten about it, but, I did experience the pain, so I could relate to him, sure, as a whole it seems quite little(it is) but for the child, it really isn’t so I have to respect what he feels and talk to him about it. That is the right choice. Toughen up? Bull. Let him live it, he will eventually toughen himself up.
Back to the story, I honestly thought that that girl was the one for me, she was cute, amazing, smart, everything, hell, she still is, but I now know what the truth it. I got so obsessed with the idea of “The one” that I stuck to it. Yes, I was quite the dumb kid.
It taught me something valuable, the pain, it taught me that there is a world and a life full of chances just waiting to be taken. Just because you’re hurt doesn’t mean that your life is over and that you have to be stuck in your little comfort zone full of insecurities. Take a chance. Fail. Take a chance again. Do it till you prevail. Don’t let one unfortunate incident define your whole life. So what you lost The one? There’s the Next one right there.
What I’m trying to say is to take your unfortunate moments as your stepping stone and go forward where all that there is, is happiness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Realization

I’m sick. Actually sick. No, I’m serious, I’m REALLY sick. Been vomiting this morning and not feeling good the days before. I like typing here and it’s a nice hobby to stay anonymous and say everything you normally wouldn’t say but yeah, I like it.
I want to post but I can’t because of how fragile a human body really is.
I don’t know about you, but, for me, I have this bad(?) habit of thinking on a negative level every time something negative happens to me. I cough, “OH MY GOD I HAVE CANCER!”. I’m just kidding!
I just tend to think about stuff to deviate myself from the pain, mentally.
I have to admit, there is nothing going on in my life, nothing to write or even think about so if I’m doing this, it’s a miracle.
A little detail to be added, I had my exam this morning so when I felt sick, I was actually horrified. This exam comes every year so I had to wait for another year for appearing for it and I can’t deal with one whole year of idleness.
Yes, I did go and I did attend, went pretty good, so I’m relieved.
I started thinking about what would’ve happened if I hadn’t gone for the exam. It would’ve ruined my whole plan I have set out(Yes, I have a plan and no, it’s not stupid to have your future all planned out).
Anyway, I started thinking about things and how much of a setback it would’ve been for me. Then it hit me, it doesn’t matter. Suddenly, my whole plan just didn’t matter. We live always thinking about the future that we forgot the enjoy the moment. There is this very snide phrase, “YOLO”, which is absurd, or that is what I thought, at least.
You see, the beginning of YOLO was all about “you only live once, so you have to do everything that comes forward and is fun”, when it should really be something like “You only live once, so do everything you can to make a difference in the world”.
That type of YOLO is what I’d honestly keep as my motto.
In my bad moments, I had a realization so all in all, it wasn’t such a bad moment after all.
I don’t really have a point for this all, but, in a way, it served me as a life lesson(the timing is impeccable) and just thought I’d share it with my imaginary readers.

Deadline.

For a child, the fear of playtime getting over scares them.
For an adolescent, the fear of tests kills them.
For an adult, the fear of a project’s due date worries them.
No matter the age, this whole concept of “deadline” always exists. At first, people resent it, especially the procrastinators, but in the end, deadlines are what pushes us forward.

Think about it, if there were no deadlines, do you think things would’ve moved forward? Do you think we would’ve saved more time doing what we were assigned to do? No.
For most of the world(few exceptions, of course), a due date is what drives them, not the journey of it all. It’s human tendency, really, can’t blame ’em.
I’m not, out of the blue, talking about due dates and deadlines, no, I, myself am in sort of a horrible situation where I have a task which needs to be done ASAP. Fear grew in me, I admit. Procrastination took its stand, guilty.
From my perspective, I had two choices; One, let fear and procrastination consume me and degrade my status. Two, channel the fear and use it as a fuel to rush forward.

In life, everyone has a choice, there are no exceptions in that. It’s what you do with your choices that make a difference. A simple step outside you comfort zone is all it takes to get rid of your procrastination, sitting on the chair with a pencil in your hand is all it takes to push yourself to draw a masterpiece. Baby steps. All. You. Need. Baby steps.
Next time, if you think about not doing something or freaking out about something that needs to be done ASAP… Just remember, thinking will get you no where. Get up, get going and you will end up where you need to be.

PS> Regarding my choice, yeah, I chose both. Results weren’t as horrible as it would’ve been. Submitted a day after the deadline, but hey, I tried, don’t judge. Good day now.

 

 

 

Selfishness.

“Don’t be selfish”.
Isn’t that the most commonly used phrase we all hear at some point in our life? The word is so strong that it can make you rethink your decisions and alter them. It can literally make a “yes” become a “no” and vice versa.
You see, what I’ve noticed is, the society likes to label. They like it a lot. A person who shares is a kind person, a person who gets good grades is a smart person, a person who doesn’t share is selfish. Why is that? Why do you call him/her selfish? Let’s elaborate.
Taking any scenario, why do they call people selfish? Is it because they don’t share? Is it because they want to keep whatever knowledge or goods they have to themselves? Is it simply because they are afraid they might run out of resources? Could be anything.
The word “selfish” is not as bad as people show it to be. It’s not bad to be selfish, it’s your right to be selfish. Being a selfless person pleases the society but does it please you?
It momentarily gives you the satisfaction, I agree, but if you keep being selfless, at some point, it’s going to be torture. People don’t like to admit it but it’s true, it’s just torture. “Because someone called me selfish, I did the selfless thing and it felt good but when I had to keep doing that, it turned to discomfort.”
What I’m trying to say is that it’s okay to be selfish once in a while, in fact, you should definitely be selfish, for yourself, for your own comfort, for your own advantage because you deserve it. In the end, you’re living for yourself, not for other’s happiness.

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Past choices.

Ever wonder what would happen if you didn’t “move on” from someone or something? I sure do. I hold on to things, things with no reason to hold on to, I still hold on to it. It’s just me. I’m hopeless. I observed many of my friends doing the same thing to a certain extent and then moving on. I wonder if, after they decide to move on, do they actually look back and ask themselves what would’ve happened if they hadn’t moved on? I really do.
You see, I’m not one of those guys who can simply let go of things. I like to keep things, be it an old laptop, an old picture or even an old memory. It’s not that I’m incapable of letting things go, I can let things go, it’s just that if I do, it would torture me. The question would torture me, the big question. What if?
What if you didn’t let go? What if you held on to it? What would’ve happened if you did? I’ve let things go, I’ve moved on(tends to happen when you migrate to another country), it’s been 3 years and yet, I ask myself, “what would’ve happened if I did the opposite of what I did?”. It’s not torture anymore, it’s just natural curiosity. I mean, I’m sure it’s not just me, everyone wants to know if they made the right choice.
I’m here, with my head held high, looking towards the future while a little part of me still wanders in the past. I actually like it, to a certain extent. I like how I still get curious about my past choices, my past memories, my past moments with my loved one(s), still manages to surprise me.
There’s a famous saying; “Let go of the past, you don’t live there anymore”, it’s true, but is it completely, though? My past defines who I am, so I’d like to say that it isn’t true, what about you?