Me, Myself and I

I have my holidays right now and all I’ve been doing is sitting all day doing absolutely nothing at all. Well, I’m doing a lot of things but none worthy enough for a mention because the society dictates what should be worthy and what shouldn’t.
It’s always been like this.
“Oh, you went to a concert and got wasted? That’s awesome!”
“Oh you just stayed home and were on your laptop all day? You really need to go out.” 
Why do people always assume that there is only one typical way of having fun? Why is it always the concerts and going out which gets all the credits and not staying home or reading a book? I honestly do not understand that.
I see people. I see their eyes. I see the look they give me when I choose to stay home. I see everything. Don’t think I’m ignorant, I notice, I just don’t act upon it.
We, the introverts, get a lot of sh*t(pardon my language) and still, we act sane and stick to ourselves.
I know how to socialize, I know how to connect, I know how to flirt, I just choose not to because sometimes, just sometimes, I find time left alone better than some random person I’m apparently supposed to socialize to. It’s just who I am, don’t judge me for it. I keep getting so many condescending comments about how I should go out and make friends and how I should socialize more. It’s annoying how people think that by telling us to make friends, we’ll actually try. Funny.
Loner.
Strong word very carelessly used. I was reading an article about this. There was this term they used, “enforced”. Enforced loner. Very interesting.
It is those type of loners who, if they try to go out and socialize, they fail because of the lack of commonalities that they are forced to stay home most of the time, even times when they want to go out.
I am, in a way, of sorts, an enforced loner. I like being alone most of the time but when I want to go out and socialize, I am unable to do so because I don’t like the crowd. This is like a wish gone wrong. When I was comfortable going out, I did go out and I did socialize and make friends, I’m surprised at how good I am at that.
Ever since this enforced loner phase came into being, I’ve started getting all these remarks which are not very nice, makes you question yourself in ways you never did.
Don’t get me wrong, this is not a cry for help, I just hoped that  people wouldn’t be judgmental about me staying at home by my laptop being happy because, believe it or not, we can be happy staying at home.
Introverts, keep at it.

One love.

 

Ever thought about how there is only one person there for everyone? I used to. Yes, surprising. I was brainwashed by the modern movies that I assumed that there is one perfect soul for everyone. Boy, did I learn the right thing the wrong way. I’m not going into detail but I had a crush somebody the day I saw her. It wasn’t one of those “love at first sight” kind of melodramatic nuisance, it was plain fascination. I was fascinated when I first saw her. My curiosity led me to her and my little confidence led to a first talk. Of course, it didn’t go well, I was shy, she was shy(not really), all the normal stuff. Then later on, we clicked, we connected and BAM, I fell for her. Was it too soon?Probably. Did I make the right choice? Surprisingly, yes. She was interested too and one thing led to another and we were together…or at least that is what should’ve happened.

What really happened was that I got too into this whole idea of..”being above friends” and that startled her causing unpleasantness and we stopped seeing each other a few weeks later. Mind you, I don’t fall for people that easily, so if I did fall for someone, it would be a pain in the a*s to move on. It took me months, would’ve been sooner if we weren’t in the same school. After I had moved on, I don’t know what happened, but she magically sensed it(From this comes my theory of woman having a 7th sense). She came up to me with a big and energetic “Hi!” and I smiled and we started talking. A few years passed and now she’s my only best friend I’d die for. Funny how things work out this way.

When we first start off with understanding “affection”, it seems unfathomable and mind you, it is, just that we comprehend it the wrong way. We let the good parts touch our heart and the bad parts hit us hard. That is what happened when I first had a mere crush on someone. I was a kid, naïve and all. If I was hurt when I was a kid, I wouldn’t have had any sort of reasoning to it, it would just be plain pain without any backstory. That is how I felt back in my days. Today, whenever I see some underage kid ranting about his love story, if I hadn’t experienced the pain, I would’ve just told him, “You’re a kid, grow up.” and forgotten about it, but, I did experience the pain, so I could relate to him, sure, as a whole it seems quite little(it is) but for the child, it really isn’t so I have to respect what he feels and talk to him about it. That is the right choice. Toughen up? Bull. Let him live it, he will eventually toughen himself up.
Back to the story, I honestly thought that that girl was the one for me, she was cute, amazing, smart, everything, hell, she still is, but I now know what the truth it. I got so obsessed with the idea of “The one” that I stuck to it. Yes, I was quite the dumb kid.
It taught me something valuable, the pain, it taught me that there is a world and a life full of chances just waiting to be taken. Just because you’re hurt doesn’t mean that your life is over and that you have to be stuck in your little comfort zone full of insecurities. Take a chance. Fail. Take a chance again. Do it till you prevail. Don’t let one unfortunate incident define your whole life. So what you lost The one? There’s the Next one right there.
What I’m trying to say is to take your unfortunate moments as your stepping stone and go forward where all that there is, is happiness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A strange feeling.

It’s surprising how we, human beings, forsake certain aspects only to realize how valuable it was when you’re on the verge of seeing it perish. Makes you question yourself and to value the littlest of things, even if it’s temporary. Say, a person is watching the last episode, it’s about to end, so you desperately latch onto every passing minute of the 20 minute video only to realize that time waits for no one. The little things as this can make you question your basic sense, makes you ask yourself, “Are you living the right way, are you content with it?”.  I know, I know, it’s absurd, “An episode, are you crazy?”, I get it, but, if you think about it, the emotions you experience when you’re watching something or doing something, it holds some value in your life and when its final days are approaching, you value it more because, subconsciously, you feel you haven’t paid as much attention as it deserves. I don’t know, I might be deluded but I feel this way. What about you?

First time for everything.

Ever felt like things were just out of hand and you were suffocating with bottled up emotions you so desperately wanted to let out? Being an introvert, it’s hard, really. Hard to let out emotions because almost always..nobody is around to listen. As obvious as it is, I’m an introvert, at least I try to be. Hey, it’s no bad thing to be an introvert, it’s actually fun having time to yourself, doing things you can only enjoy when you’re the only person in the room, it’s all fun…then it stops. Every breathing moment becomes suffocating even when you are alone in a spacious room, you question your existence, your perspective, your naive positivity, it all turns and we feel horrible just by sitting there. Introverts or loners, at some point, do feel suffocated and they need one of the billion ways to let out pent up emotions within them. So, here I am, exploring yet another way. I admit, I have trouble socializing simply because I feel like I’m superior or I feel they’re too superior for me(complexity, much?). Today marks the day when I actually start writing, anonymously, but writing for real. Its surprising, I haven’t told anyone how I felt but the first time on this website and I just blurt it all out. Maybe it’s because I have this false impression of nobody genuinely taking a look at this, who knows?