Memories

I'm not an introvert, I love people. I just didn't get a chance.

For the past 7+ years, I’ve stuck to a certain schedule that involved minimal communication with others. It wasn’t a sudden change, it was done gradually and unintentionally. It all started when I moved back to my home country after doing my schooling for about 10 years. After moving back, I can say one thing for sure; I hated the change. There were no two ways about it, I was sad, angry, and unfortunately, an idiot. I say that now because looking back, I realized where all of this started and what a huge mistake it was. It was just my naivety making me create a routine that was soon going to be one of my norms.

Because of my resentment over something that wasn’t justified, I started lashing out. After leaving the country, I used to talk to my friends 24/7, be it a video call or just a text. Because of this, I was fine for a couple of months till I started noticing the gradual change in routine. From talking daily, it changed to every second day, and then ultimately I became an after-thought. I know, you’re obviously thinking “duh, that’s what happens when you’re not around anymore”, and you’re right, but as I mentioned; I was also an idiot. In my mind, I felt like they moved on with ease whereas I was stagnant. That, along with my resentment of the change, ultimately gave birth to this routine of minimal communication.

I created a place for myself that I was content with and had no real contact with the people I cared about, being numb helped (sometimes). I’ve been in this place for the better half of the last decade until last month. In the span of a month, I met up with the same people I blocked out and I realized what all I missed out on during the years. I talked to each and everyone I met for hours and it was so refreshing and fun, and I hadn’t felt this type of happiness in a long time. Every time I lie down at night on my bed following the meetup, I reevaluate everything I’ve done to come to this point. I wonder how much of this I’ve missed out on because of the routine I’ve made from a place of hurt.

I do have regrets, but that’s not the worse part. The worst part is that I can’t go back in time and fix this. I have to live with wasting away 7+ years with this routine and I have nobody to blame but myself. I don’t know.

I’m going to cherish everything I have from now on, I cannot fathom doing anything otherwise and I’m going to train myself to have higher self-awareness so I can detect a toxic trait being formed and stop it in its tracks.

Equality? Equity.

Growing up, I’ve always heard and read about “Equality”, how everyone should be treated as an equal and that there shouldn’t be any sort of inequality. We were taught about equality during a time in our lives where we were learning from the adults around us. We imprinted their wisdom and structured our lives around it. Equality was one such imprint.
Sure, equality should be practiced in our day-to-day life and it’s a great movement to support or a great motto to live by. Equality, without context, is perfection.
Giving an apple to a child who was starving for 3 days and giving an apple to a child who ate a few hours ago. By definition, this is equality, but is it, really? I experienced many other instances where I questioned equality and wondered if it really is something to live by, and every time I asked myself that, I started doubting what was taught to me when I was younger.
Equity. By definition, it is similar to equality, but has a fundamental difference. It takes into consideration the situation and circumstance of a given individual which equality doesn’t. Should student funding be equal for all students? A question of equality. Should the students who come from a lower place be given a higher fund so they get a chance to catch up? A question of equity.
The more I think about the difference, the more I start questioning everything else, it’s a never-ending cycle. I just wish people were taught of equity alongside equality because in today’s generation, many things are being justified in the name of equality and equity is being completely neglected. I think the world would’ve been a better place if both were taken into consideration. That statement is solely my opinion. What about you?

Realization

I’m sick. Actually sick. No, I’m serious, I’m REALLY sick. Been vomiting this morning and not feeling good the days before. I like typing here and it’s a nice hobby to stay anonymous and say everything you normally wouldn’t say but yeah, I like it.
I want to post but I can’t because of how fragile a human body really is.
I don’t know about you, but, for me, I have this bad(?) habit of thinking on a negative level every time something negative happens to me. I cough, “OH MY GOD I HAVE CANCER!”. I’m just kidding!
I just tend to think about stuff to deviate myself from the pain, mentally.
I have to admit, there is nothing going on in my life, nothing to write or even think about so if I’m doing this, it’s a miracle.
A little detail to be added, I had my exam this morning so when I felt sick, I was actually horrified. This exam comes every year so I had to wait for another year for appearing for it and I can’t deal with one whole year of idleness.
Yes, I did go and I did attend, went pretty good, so I’m relieved.
I started thinking about what would’ve happened if I hadn’t gone for the exam. It would’ve ruined my whole plan I have set out(Yes, I have a plan and no, it’s not stupid to have your future all planned out).
Anyway, I started thinking about things and how much of a setback it would’ve been for me. Then it hit me, it doesn’t matter. Suddenly, my whole plan just didn’t matter. We live always thinking about the future that we forgot the enjoy the moment. There is this very snide phrase, “YOLO”, which is absurd, or that is what I thought, at least.
You see, the beginning of YOLO was all about “you only live once, so you have to do everything that comes forward and is fun”, when it should really be something like “You only live once, so do everything you can to make a difference in the world”.
That type of YOLO is what I’d honestly keep as my motto.
In my bad moments, I had a realization so all in all, it wasn’t such a bad moment after all.
I don’t really have a point for this all, but, in a way, it served me as a life lesson(the timing is impeccable) and just thought I’d share it with my imaginary readers.