I'm not an introvert, I love people. I just didn't get a chance.
For the past 7+ years, I’ve stuck to a certain schedule that involved minimal communication with others. It wasn’t a sudden change, it was done gradually and unintentionally. It all started when I moved back to my home country after doing my schooling for about 10 years. After moving back, I can say one thing for sure; I hated the change. There were no two ways about it, I was sad, angry, and unfortunately, an idiot. I say that now because looking back, I realized where all of this started and what a huge mistake it was. It was just my naivety making me create a routine that was soon going to be one of my norms.
Because of my resentment over something that wasn’t justified, I started lashing out. After leaving the country, I used to talk to my friends 24/7, be it a video call or just a text. Because of this, I was fine for a couple of months till I started noticing the gradual change in routine. From talking daily, it changed to every second day, and then ultimately I became an after-thought. I know, you’re obviously thinking “duh, that’s what happens when you’re not around anymore”, and you’re right, but as I mentioned; I was also an idiot. In my mind, I felt like they moved on with ease whereas I was stagnant. That, along with my resentment of the change, ultimately gave birth to this routine of minimal communication.
I created a place for myself that I was content with and had no real contact with the people I cared about, being numb helped (sometimes). I’ve been in this place for the better half of the last decade until last month. In the span of a month, I met up with the same people I blocked out and I realized what all I missed out on during the years. I talked to each and everyone I met for hours and it was so refreshing and fun, and I hadn’t felt this type of happiness in a long time. Every time I lie down at night on my bed following the meetup, I reevaluate everything I’ve done to come to this point. I wonder how much of this I’ve missed out on because of the routine I’ve made from a place of hurt.
I do have regrets, but that’s not the worse part. The worst part is that I can’t go back in time and fix this. I have to live with wasting away 7+ years with this routine and I have nobody to blame but myself. I don’t know.
I’m going to cherish everything I have from now on, I cannot fathom doing anything otherwise and I’m going to train myself to have higher self-awareness so I can detect a toxic trait being formed and stop it in its tracks.